A Date with Death
by Jazzmaster
Summary: There are lots of desperate people in Nosgoth. Kain and his sons for a start. So when a dating agency opens in Nosgoth could it be that their problems are solved? Or is something more sinister going on? And why does everyone think Kain's dead?As in GONE?
1. Opening Day

A/N: I write for a number of different categories around here, but there's nothing I like writing (or reading) more than an LOK humour fic. So thank you to everyone who reads this. This one is different from the others I have done in that it actually contains a plot. Whether that will help or hinder this fic I don't know. I try to review works of the authors who review for me, so if you have a fic LOK or otherwise that you want me to look at and review please do not hesitate to ask me and it will be my pleasure to do so.  
  
Disclaimer: Of course I do not own LOK characters , locations or any part of the franchise, and I will not be making any profit whatsoever off of this.  
  
  
  
It was early one morning when Nosgoth's first dating agency (brothel's don't count) opened for business. It opened with little fan-fare, and indeed only The Elder God knew of it's existence outside of the agency themselves. But he had little interest in such things. Being a god made the ladies weak at the knees. Of course, there was the fact that he was a giant squid, and didn't have any immediately obvious godly powers. But still, it would be a bit beneath him to use a dating agency.  
  
The name of the place was The Nosgoth Dating Agency. Being the first of it's kind, it's name didn't exactly have to be original. It's home was in Meridan. There were lots of desperate people there. Okay, there were lots of desperate people all over Nosgoth. Any humans seeing the dating agency though would perhaps be a little perplexed. There was a sign on the door which clearly read 'vampires welcome'. What kind of vampire would use a dating agency?  
  
  
  
"Kain," said Raziel softly. He had drawn the short straw. Kain hadn't gotten off of the bed in some time. He had just been lying there, staring at the ceiling and muttering something unintelligible every now and then. Things had been like this ever since Umah had left him. It was hardly surprising that she had really, given the fact that he had kept calling her "bitch" and threatening to kill her all the time. "Kain... time to get up."  
  
"Go away and let me suffer in peace," said Kain.  
  
"It's time to start rebuilding your life Kain."  
  
"But I'm dead," moaned Kain. "Just like Umah! Aww, everything reminds me of her. I have hair. UMAH HAD HAIR! You smell. UMAH SMELLED!"  
  
"Er... anyway, all of your sons are here to see how you're doing. We're all very concerned about your general well-being. Come downstairs and we'll cheer you up," coaxed Raziel.  
  
"Oh no... ALL of you are here? It just gets worse and worse..."  
  
Kain rolled over and put his hands over his face. He hadn't been himself as of late. How the hell could that stupid woman Umah have done this to him?  
  
"Okay, I'll come down," he said reluctantly. I'll come down to tell all of them to piss off, he thought to himself.  
  
Once down, he noticed his sons standing about awkwardly and silently, but when they caught sight of him, they immediately began talking away.  
  
"Well, piss off then, " said Kain.  
  
"Dad!" cried Turel. "Great to see you up and about again."  
  
"Yup, " said Melchiah. "We were all really worried about you."  
  
"I mean it - get the hell out of my house right now," said Kain unpleasantly. Raziel who had just followed Kain down, would have smiled were that possible. Dad was getting back to his old self already.  
  
"We thought we could all go out for the day," said Turel, ignoring Kain. "It's been a long time since we all went out killing together. It'll be just like old times."  
  
"What are you talking about? We never went out killing together," said Rahab. "We all keep out of each others way as much as possible."  
  
"Yes, well, I still say we do it. It's just what daddy needs, a breath of fresh air. Well, when I say 'breath' I don't really mean... and when I say 'fresh' you know... but it IS air. Yes, I'm quite sure of that," babbled Turel. He failed to notice the look in Kain's eyes.  
  
"Did you just call me DADDY!?" asked Kain in a deceptively un-angry voice.  
  
Wheels began spinning round in Turel's head as he realised he had probably just made the worlds biggest mistake.  
  
"No... I called you... Caddy. Yes, Caddy... short for Kain," said Turel weakly. The wheels were clearly not turning fast enough. In fact, they were jammed and about to get torn apart by Kain.  
  
Raziel, who was not a large fan of violence, decided he had better step in at this point.  
  
"Um... anyway, Kain, we just think it's best you were seen in action once again. Rumours are spreading amongst the humans that you've been killed, since it has been so long since you have been sighted," he said.  
  
Which was true. Kain had once been the most feared vampire in all of Nosgoth. His bizarre personal life had been kept from them, as had his relationship with Umah. Kain had built a legacy, although most of it was untrue. The legends claimed Kain had hunted down and killed all the members of the Circle. In fact this was untrue. He was supposed to have killed them, but they all ran away so fast that he couldn't (be bothered to) catch them. Also the legends claimed that Kain had been asked to sacrifice himself, give his own life to restore the pillars. The truth was that Kain had only been asked to lend a hand in repairing the pillars but he refused, claiming he was much too busy and the pillars fell as a result. Nosgoth had fallen into ruin. The legend just sounded that bit more impressive, so everyone allowed it to be told that way.  
  
"Let the humans think whatever they like, " said Kain.  
  
"They held a big party to celebrate your death," said Dumah.  
  
"THEY DID WHAT!?" yelled Kain.  
  
"Moebius showed up and told everyone he killed you personally," continued Dumah.  
  
"That little bastard, as if HE could kill ME! Ha, don't tell me the mindless fools believed him?"  
  
"Well, I believed him..." began Dumah. If truth be told (which it wasn't going to be by Dumah or anyone else in the room) it was the real reason they had shown up to see Kain. They were all making a very conscious effort to hide their disappointment from him.  
  
"Wait a minute... how exactly do you know all of this Dumah?" enquired Kain. He was standing now with his arms folded, waiting intently for the answer.  
  
"Well, um... Zephon told me!" said Dumah quickly, sending his arm very speedily indeed in Zephon's direction and extending his finger to point at him. Zephon looked around nervously, hoping someone would speak up to support him. No-one did.  
  
"Are those cake crumbs I see around your mouth?" said Kain in a voice that was not angry in itself but suggested that anger would be there very, very soon indeed.  
  
"I have no idea what you mean Kain. Vampires don't eat cake. You must be seeing things," Zephon said nervously.  
  
"Are you suggesting that I, Kain, your father and most powerful vampire in Nosgoth, supreme being, He Who is Never Wrong, Must Always Be Obeyed and Must Never Ever Be Lied To, is SEEING things?"  
  
"What I meant to say was, they may look like cake crumbs, but they are in fact..." he tried to think of something clever. He failed "...something else entirely."  
  
Kain's eyes darkened then he turned and saw something in Turel's hands.  
  
"What is that you have there, Turel?" asked Kain.  
  
"Nothing," said Turel, quickly putting his hands and what was in them behind his back.  
  
"Nothing," repeated Kain before walking forwards towards Turel. "Then show me, my son, exactly what this nothing looks like." Kain put one hand on Turel's shoulder, which Raziel mistakenly thought was supposed to comfort Turel. He was not aware, despite the look of pain on Turel's face, that Kain was squeezing the shoulder with rather more force than was pleasant.  
  
Turel winced then slowly put his hands out in front of him for Kain to inspect. There was nothing in them. This was because he had just dropped it onto the floor in a desperate hope that Kain would somehow fail to notice.  
  
Kain had not failed to notice. A card had fallen on to the floor. Kain's eyes left Turel and looked down at it. Turel glanced nervously at it. He couldn't let Kain see it...  
  
His foot moved just a fraction slower than Kain's hand. What this meant, of course, was that Turel's foot landed on top of Kain's hand instead of the card he had intended to stomp on and cover with his foot.  
  
"ARRGH!" yelled Kain.  
  
"Sorry dad, sorry, it was an accident, my foot slipped, I..." went Turel.  
  
"YOUR FOOT IS STILL ON MY HAND!" screamed Kain.  
  
"Whoops, sorry dad, I didn't..."  
  
"GET OFF OF MY HAND!"  
  
Turel finally caught up and moved his foot off of Kain's hand. Turel grinned nervously.  
  
"Well, it was a mistake. A horrible, horrible mistake. You can't blame a guy for making a mistake, can you?" said Turel. A lightning bolt flew from Kain's hand and sent Turel flying to the ground.  
  
"Of course you can," said Kain. Returning his attention to the card on the floor he knelt down and picked it up, wary of anyone elses feet wandering in the direction of his hand. He picked it up and saw that it said:  
  
INVITATION  
  
You, Turel, and guests are hereby invited to Moebius' 'Kain is Dead (and I mean GONE dead)' party.  
  
Kain crumpled up the card. Turel got himself back up. He KNEW it had been a mistake to bring the invitation with him. It had just been asking for trouble really.  
  
"You all attended this party then, did you? This 'Kain is Dead' party?" said Kain, his eyes darting about the room at a bunch of vampires who appeared to be inspecting his floor.  
  
"No."  
  
"No."  
  
"Of course not Kain,"  
  
"Absolutely not."  
  
Kain had folded his arms again now.  
  
"You do know what happens to vampires who lie, don't you?" Kain asked, his voice sounding icily-cold.  
  
"Um, do their noses get bigger?" asked Raziel.  
  
"No Raziel. That's not what happens. Not at all," said Kain evilly. The rest of Kain's sons shifted uncomfortably. THEY knew what happened. It wasn't nice.  
  
"Now, allow me to ask again. Did you attend this party?" asked Kain.  
  
Rahab tried desperately to find a loophole.  
  
"When you say 'this' party..." he began.  
  
"When I say 'this' party I mean the party that you know I have been referring to, that being Moebius' 'Kain is Dead' party and if you try to pass it off as a different party then I swear there will be trouble."  
  
"Yes, we were there."  
  
"We stopped by."  
  
"We had cake and sang songs and had a very good time."  
  
Turel closed his eyes.  
  
"I think that was a little more than was really required there Raziel," he said through gritted teeth. Kain had now begun pacing up and down the room.  
  
"Then tell me Raziel, exactly what songs were you all singing?" Kain asked.  
  
Everyone in the room except Kain and Raziel could be visibly seen trying to stop Raziel from talking without saying or doing anything at all.  
  
"One that went:  
  
Ding Dong the vampires dead,  
  
Which vamp?  
  
The ugly vamp!  
  
Ding Dong the asshole's dead!  
  
Ding Dong Kain is dead!" sang Raziel.  
  
Kain stopped pacing for a moment.  
  
"UGLY!? I am NOT ugly. Do you think I'm ugly Raziel?" queried Kain. Raziel, remembering that something bad would happen if he lied answered:  
  
"Yes, yes you are." He said this cheerfully, feeling rather pleased about his honesty.  
  
"WHAT!?"  
  
"You are ugly."  
  
Raziel's cheerfulness faded as Kain used his claws to tear through his head. Raziel faded into the spectral realm and began collecting souls so he could return. In what appeared to Kain and his sons as no time at all, Raziel arrived back.  
  
"Did I say something wrong?" asked Raziel, genuinely unaware of what he had done wrong.  
  
"Raziel?"  
  
"Yes Melchiah?"  
  
"Shut up," instructed Melchiah.  
  
Kain shoved Raziel aside and began thinking. The cheek of Moebius to claim that HE had killed the great Kain, and not only that, but to hold a party!  
  
"This party..." said Kain. "Is it over yet?"  
  
"It doesn't finish for another couple of hours. We left early to check if you were really dea- okay. Yes, dead okay after your split with Umah," answered Turel. Kain turned his back on everyone. He un-crumpled the crumpled invite.  
  
"Then I think it is time Lord Kain paid his respects to the man who apparently killed him."  
  
  
  
The first being to see the Dating Agency was Malek. He had arrived in Meridan hot on the trail of Vorador, having been told to take a break from guarding the circle by Moebius (nice guy is Mr Moebius, thought Malek cheerfully) and had decided to track down his enemy in his time off. Well exactly what else was a walking talking suit of armour going to do with his time off? He may as well try to make his own job a bit easier by thinning the vampire ranks, and hey, get a bit of revenge to boot. He had managed to track Vorador as far as here in Meridan, which was rather surprising since Malek was completely useless at every activity on the planet. As he wandered the streets in search of anything that might help him (ideally a bunch of blood-drained corpses) he saw the sign for the dating agency.  
  
It had been a long time since he had been on a date. Being a soul trapped in a suit of armour was not the best way to meet girls. Although the fact was he had always been useless around women, even before then. He often found the only topic of conversation he had was vampire-related. Which wasn't exactly a big turn-on for most women. Or any women Malek had ever met.  
  
There was no way of knowing exactly what was inside the building. All you could see from the outside was the door, the sign, and a whole lot of stone. Malek found his mind wandering from Vorador-related thoughts and the killing-related thoughts that went hand in hand each other. Perhaps he just hadn't met the right girl yet. Maybe she was waiting somewhere out there for him, and perhaps this place could help him find her. Maybe she would even hate Vorador. Maybe she was even a gifted fighter and would accompany him to kill the wretched vampire. Maybe she was even a soul trapped for all eternity in a suit of armour. He could almost hear this fictional being calling out to him and asking him why he hadn't already gone into the dating agency to try and find her.  
  
Walking over to the door, he read the sign that was hung over it.  
  
'Souls trapped in suits of armour welcome' it said.  
  
Realising if he never went in, he would never know, he turned the handle and wandered in.  
  
To be continued... 


	2. The First Client

A/N: I don't own any LOK characters, but Myria Lemarott is my own creation.  
  
The inside of the dating agency was remarkable, in the sense that it was remarkably unspectacular. In the room Malek stood in, there was nothing but a wooden table, a chair behind it and a chest of drawers. The place was very dusty and Malek was glad he wasn't human - the dust would have made a human very uncomfortable. Then he remembered just how bad being a soul trapped in a suit of armour was and how he would suffer like this for all eternity and the gladness faded away.  
  
There was no one else in this room, but Malek could see a door leading into a room in the back. He walked over to the desk. There was nothing on it apart from a bell and a piece of paper reading 'Please ring for assistance'. Malek, not the brightest light in the drawer (a term created by circle member Bane who wasn't terribly good with figures of speech) wondered if it meant ring the table or ring the bell. After all, the paper was lying on the table, not the bell. After slowly weighing things up he came to the conclusion that ringing the table was not terribly practical or possible, so he rang the bell and waited. No-one came.  
  
Growing impatient now, he rang the bell again and again no-one came. Strange that the agency would be open yet no-one seemed to be here. He turned to leave (actually feeling a bit relieved and foolish for coming in here in the first place) but just as he reached the exit he heard the door that lead to the back open. Turning again, he saw a young woman in her twenty-something's walk in.  
  
"Hello!" she said nervously. "I'm very sorry to have kept you waiting: I was doing some cleaning in the back. The place is a mess isn't it? I tried to get it sorted out before today, but there simply wasn't enough time, and I REALLY wanted to open today. Which I have!"  
  
The woman was very attractive indeed. Malek would have found himself aroused (sadly one of many things that were impossible when you were just an extension of a suit of armour) if he were human. She had long brown hair going half-way down her back, pale, smooth skin, wonderfully full lips and eyes - such friendly looking eyes.  
  
"This is your first day open?" asked Malek.  
  
"Indeed! The first day of the first dating agency!" she said. She sounded less nervous now, and this was replaced by enthusiasm and friendliness. "And the first CLIENT of the first day of the first dating agency."  
  
Malek looked around as if expecting someone else to be in the room.  
  
"I mean you, silly," she said and followed this with a pretty little laugh.  
  
"I'm the first one?" he queried, clearly having a hard time grasping the situation.  
  
"That's right. I was getting worried. I was thinking that no-one would come at all. I've taken such a huge risk opening this place. My mother kept telling me it was a bad idea. 'No-one will want to join a dating agency' she kept telling me. But YOU do, don't you Mr Malek?" she said. Malek was a little surprised - he couldn't remember telling her his name.  
  
"How do you know who I am?" he asked. She waved her hand dismissively.  
  
"Everyone knows Malek of the Sarafan," she explained. That was true, thought Malek.  
  
"I AM pretty famous!" he boasted.  
  
"I remember the story of how you let some of the circle members get slaughtered," she said in an entirely pleasant voice. If he had a throat Malek would have choked.  
  
"Er... well there WAS that..." he said quietly.  
  
"But anyway, let's get down to business, shall we?"  
  
"Um... I'm not too sure actually. I think I may have made a mistake coming here."  
  
The young woman looked rather disappointed.  
  
"Oh, I see. What makes you say that?" she asked. Malek felt rather embarrassed now. If he were still human he would be blushing.  
  
"Well, there obviously isn't anyone you could pair me with, what with me being the first customer and all," he said awkwardly. The look of disappointment faded from her pretty face and her lips rose in a smile before her mouth opened just a little and she giggled.  
  
"If everyone felt that way, I'd never get any clients at all would I? Someone has to be the first, don't they? Please don't let that put you off. We'll have a full list of clients soon enough, I'm positive of that. And I'm SURE someone will be a perfect match for you," she said kindly, and with such conviction that Malek himself believed it. His mind went back to the idea of the woman's soul in armour he had pictured before coming into the agency. Okay, it was a foolish fantasy, he thought. If there was a female equivalent of himself he would know about it. Yet he was still rather keen to give this place a try, embarrassed though he may be. He had spent a long, long time alone. Sure, he sometimes had the other members of the circle for company, but he found that he didn't like them very much (apart from the kind Moebius, but he wasn't about to date him.) Malek shifted uncomfortably when he noticed the woman was staring at him. He got the awful feeling she was reading his thoughts. Nonsense of course. She smiled kindly as if to reassure him on this issue. Of course, Malek finally realised, she was smiling because he hadn't spoken in some time.  
  
"I didn't catch your name..." he said. This wasn't a question, and therefore technically required no response, but she gave one anyway.  
  
"I'm Myria. Myria Lemarott. So, Mr Malek, are you going to give this place a chance?" she asked. Malek was still somewhat unsure, but he knew Myria's patience would eventually run out no matter how kind she appeared to be.  
  
"Why not?" he said and thought practically at the same time.  
  
"Well, come into the back and we'll get started," she said sweetly.  
  
  
  
  
  
The 'Kain is Dead' party was still going strong and showing no signs of slowing down as Kain and his sons arrived. It was taking place in a huge grassy field, a rare thing to find in these days of decay in Nosgoth. Moebius had been forced to do an inspiring speech to the townsfolk on the evils of cows, and how they were 'a plague that must be cleansed from Nosgoth' in order to gain use of the field.  
  
Various tents, entertainers, stalls and strange contraptions that you could sit on and would move had replaced the cows. Someone was in the stocks, wearing a Kain mask and getting tomatoes thrown at them. Kain saw this with little amusement and wandered over to take a closer look.  
  
"What is the meaning of this?" he asked sternly. The man in the stocks looked over at him. Kain tutted when he saw the mask, a horrible green mess with an inane grin on it.  
  
"Oh, at last, you're here. I've done way more than my share in here," said the man with the mask. Someone helped him out of the stocks and two men, coming from behind Kain, grabbed his arms and took him over to the stocks. Kain, taken by surprise, quickly found himself trapped in the stocks with a rather large line of people waiting to throw tomatoes at him.  
  
"I demand you cease this at once!" he yelled angrily. This only resulted in people laughing and throwing tomatoes at him. They made nice squelching noises when they hit. Kain was seeing red, both due to his rage and due to the large amounts of tomato juice in his eyes. "I am Lord Kain and YOU WILL STOP HUMILIATING ME!"  
  
Raising his voice like that was, on reflection, a mistake. It worked like a homing beacon, attracting more customers than the man behind this particular attraction could have ever thought possible. Kain screwed up his eyes as more and more rotten tomatoes hit right between them. Now he knew how Vorador must have felt all those years ago. Apart from the part where his head got cut off. Vorador had been rather pissed at Kain after that, what with Kain not saving him and all. Still, how was Kain to know that after getting his head cut off Vorador would go on to live for another few hundred years? The old guy was still going strong too, and even got his head back on somehow. Kain would love to know how he pulled it off. Although right now he would settle for a way out of this baby.  
  
After blinking rapidly and a short break from tomatoes hitting round his eyes (they were hitting his nose at the moment) he found he could see Rahab and Dumah standing nearby.  
  
"Ah, excellent. Rahab, hurry up and get me out of here!" he shouted. Rahab laughed at this.  
  
"Hey Dumah, that guy in the Kain mask knows my name!"  
  
"Hit him right between the eyes Rahab!"  
  
Rahab wound back.  
  
"This is for being such an asshole!" he shouted as the tomato flew from his hand. It hit it's target.  
  
"Rahab you idiot I swear you will pay for this," said Kain. Dumah stepped up to take his turn.  
  
"You can't tell me what to do anymore, you old bastard!" he said. Kain opened his mouth to retort and got the whole tomato in his mouth as a result. He spat it out and growled as his two sons laughed.  
  
"Hey, I have a great idea Rahab," said Dumah loudly. "Let's throw rocks at him!"  
  
"Let's not," said Kain furiously. Rahab and Dumah began picking large rocks off the ground and hurtling them at Kain's head.  
  
"OW! ARRGH! ACK!" went Kain.  
  
"Good thing this isn't the real Kain," said Rahab cheerfully.  
  
  
  
The back room was not much better than the front one. A few candles were all that illuminated the darkness, and Malek could see that there were several cobwebs in the room. He could only assume that (Miss? Mrs? Ms?) Lemarott was not afraid of spiders. She certainly did not appear afraid at the moment. Malek was sitting on a chair with his hands (although in a sense they weren't his hands due to what he was) and Myria had his back to him, searching through a drawer for a quill to write with. She had a piece of paper in her free hand.  
  
"Here it is!" she exclaimed happily and pulled it out of the drawer. There was a bottle of ink already on the table. "Sorry I'm not more organised."  
  
"It's fine," said Malek, and it was only now that he realised that the unpleasant amount of dust did not appear to be affecting her at all. She sat down opposite him now and Malek felt almost a tinge of regret that he would not be dating the rather lovely Myria Lemarott. She wrote something on the bit of paper and then looked up at Malek.  
  
"I'm just going to ask you a few questions," she said in her cheerful voice. "Questions?" asked Malek. Despite the fact that he had just asked a question he gave the impression that he had no idea what one was.  
  
"Nothing to worry about," she said with a sweet smile. "Just a few personal details, so that someone else who joins the agency can find a few things out about you and see if they're interested in you." Malek's gaze fell to the table.  
  
"What if no-one's interested in me?"  
  
She reached out and gently put her hand under his chin (the SUIT'S chin at any rate) and softly raised his head so his eyes (again, in a manner of speaking not his eyes) locked with hers.  
  
"Trust me - we'll find someone for you. There are a lot of girls out there who would die to meet a guy like you."  
  
Malek nodded slightly and she removed her hand.  
  
"So describe yourself," she asked, leaning over so she could scribe while he spoke. Malek felt as though she had just asked him to describe what 'yellow' looked like.  
  
"Erm..."  
  
"Just say whatever comes to mind.," she said encouragingly.  
  
"Well, I'm, uh, a suit of armour?"  
  
"Don't worry too much about that. It's the person INSIDE that we're interested in. Tell me about the kind of person you are."  
  
"Well, kind of adventurous, a little quiet sometimes, good sense of duty and responsibility..." Her hand moved quickly as she wrote everything down.  
  
"Okay, that's super. Now what are your hobbies? What kind of things do you enjoy doing?" she asked without taking her eyes off the paper.  
  
"I enjoy fighting and hunting vampires. Especially Vorador. How I hate him... I want to kill him. I want revenge against him..." he stopped then, surprised by what he had said. Myria was just nodding her head and writing as though he had told her he liked pony-riding.  
  
"What's your occupation?" she asked once she had finished scribbling.  
  
"Well, it's like a job that you have..." he said helpfully.  
  
"I mean what occupation do YOU have, " she said patiently.  
  
"Oh. I'm the guardian of the circle of nine," he said. "The pay isn't good."  
  
"Don't worry. I don't think money is a factor here at all."  
  
Malek suddenly grew very nervous. For the first time he realised that he would surely have to pay this woman to join - and he had no money with him whatsoever. He felt like an utter fool.  
  
"Uh, I've just realised - I can't afford to join this place. I'm really sorry to have wasted your time."  
  
He got up and hoped to leave as quickly as possible, but she motioned that he sit down and he did.  
  
"Like I said. I don't think money is a factor here at all," she said in a soft whisper of a voice.  
  
"Bu-" Malek began.  
  
"We can always work something out later. For now, let's forget money."  
  
Malek was only too happy to forget all about it. She asked him a few more questions, nothing too taxing, then filed away the piece of paper.  
  
"Welcome to Nosgoth's First Dating Agency," she said happily. "You are now our first official client." 


	3. Taking Care of Business

Kain, having finally been released from the stocks, went to meet up with Turel, Raziel and Melchiah who were sensibly standing to one side ignoring everything going on around them. Raziel was trying desperately to avert his gaze away from the man with the giant legs and the clown make-up on.  
  
"Come on, I'll make you a balloon animal," said the man with giant legs as though he were talking to a small child. "I'll make anything you want!"  
  
Raziel's head turned round now.  
  
"I want a vampire!" he demanded. Sweat could be seen coming from the man with the giant legs' head. It was removing some of his makeup.  
  
"Er. or perhaps, a dog?" he said anxiously. Raziel was facing the man now, and the man, despite his rather high vantage point, was beginning to wonder if this guy was wearing a costume after all.  
  
"I SAID a vampire," said Raziel emphatically. The long-legged man had taken out a handkerchief now and was trying to wipe away the sweat, but was only succeeding in smudging his makeup.  
  
"But everyone loves dogs!" he said. He was growing ever aware of the claws this guy had.  
  
"Are you deaf? He wants a vampire," said Turel. Mr Legs now saw there were three of them, and realised there was a great danger of there becoming none of him very quickly indeed.  
  
"Or perhaps I could manage a cat."  
  
"VAMPIRE!" shouted the vamp trio. Mr Legs took a step back, took out a balloon, inflated it then made a dog out of it. He handed it nervously to Raziel.  
  
"There you go son, a nice vampire for you," said Mr Legs. Raziel looked at it. It looked as though he were looking into a crystal ball or something.  
  
"It's a dog," he whispered. Mr Legs put his hands up defensively.  
  
"Yeeeah. but it's not just ANY old dog. No, it's Rover - The Vampire Dog!" he explained.  
  
"It looks just like a regular dog to me," said Melchiah with a hint of suspicion in his voice.  
  
"Well that's how Rover looks, isn't it? Up until he sinks his fangs - his VAMPIRE fangs - into your throat and drinks your blood," Legs justified. To reinforce the idea, he carefully - very carefully - took the dog from Raziel then began to wave it in front of his face and going "WHOOOOOHHHH".  
  
"That's the sound ghosts make, not vampires," said an unconvinced Turel. Legs gave the balloon animal back to Raziel, who was clearly disappointed with it.  
  
"Who is this Rover anyway? I've never heard of him. In fact I've never heard of a vampire dog at all," said an equally unconvinced Melchiah.  
  
"Look at the time," stuttered Legs, even though there was no real way to look at time in Nosgoth unless you were Moebius. "I really must be getting on."  
  
Legs quickly hurried away, using his long legs to his advantage. He turned to see if he had been followed and was relieved to see that he had not. The vampires were still staring at the balloon animal trying to establish whether or not these 'vampire dogs' existed. Legs went down the side of one of the tents where no-one could see him as he tried to get his breath back. Sadly, by freak coincidence, what had to be Nosgoth's only vampire dog, Rover, was also down here waiting for anyone who might come his way. Rover did not go "WHOOOOOHHHH" but it did tear Legs' throat out before he could manage a scream. Then it drained his blood, and afterwards it almost choked on an un-inflated balloon.  
  
  
  
The vampires sadly missed the evidence of Rover's existence and the balloon animal was tossed away. It was at this point that Kain (who had taken a little time out to appropriately deal with Rahab and Dumah) found them.  
  
"Hey pops," said Turel.  
  
"Turel?" asked Kain.  
  
"Yes pops?"  
  
"If you ever call me 'pops' again I swear there will be trouble," said Kain.  
  
"Where are Rahab and Dumah, Kain?" asked Raziel who by now had forgotten all about balloon animals. Kain chuckled evilly.  
  
"Well I left Dumah in the stocks and I believe Rahab is hanging upside down from a tree like a bruised piece of fruit," he explained.  
  
"What about Zephon?" asked Turel who unlike Raziel seemed to remember that Zephon actually existed.  
  
"I thought that he was with you?" said Kain in response. Turel merely shook his head.  
  
"Perhaps we should go and look for him," suggested Raziel.  
  
"He can take care of himself," said Kain. "Besides which I do not intend to stay at this awful party for one second longer than I have to. I've been here much too long as it is. We have to find Moebius. Do any of you know where he will be?"  
  
"I think he's been spending most of his time in a large tent up near the back of the field," said Turel. Kain was almost shocked - Turel might actually have been of some use for once.  
  
"Then let us find this tent. Moebius and I have much to discuss," said Kain with a predatory smile on his face.  
  
"Discuss? I thought you were going to kill him?" asked a puzzled Raziel.  
  
"When I said discuss I didn't ACTUALLY mean discuss," said Kain impatiently.  
  
"There's a discus throw around here somewhere I'm sure of it." pondered Turel. Yup, back to his usual moronic self, thought Kain.  
  
"Look, we find Moebius. I may say a few things to him. Then I will kill him and proclaim this day 'Moebius is Dead' day," explained Kain. It was not the most brilliant plan in the universe. But it was a plan all the same.  
  
"Won't that confuse people? I mean, having 'Kain is Dead' day and 'Moebius is Dead' day on the same day?" enquired Turel.  
  
"Kain isn't dead you fool," hissed Melchiah. "At least not the dead kind of dead, if you know what I mean."  
  
"The same will not be said for any of you if you do not SHUT UP and take me to this tent immediately," snapped Kain. So they did shut up, and Turel lead the way to where (he hoped) the tent would be.  
  
The second person arrived at the Dating Agency soon after Malek. This person was perhaps not an ideal pairing for Malek, because this was a guy and this guy was Mortanius. The necromancer had heard of the dating agency by chance. Word was already spreading of it's opening, and of course Mortanius had ears everywhere. Not literally of course - that would be bizarre.  
  
There were no windows in the building. Mortanius had hoped to get a look inside before he entered. Despite all the places he had been in his life he found the discomfort surrounding this one bet them all.  
  
No one in Nosgoth knew of his secret crush on Ariel. If they did, he would be laughed at, and the great Mortanius didn't hold with being laughed at. He wandered over to the door - his thoughts filled with the horrifying sight of Ariel naked - and saw a sign that said 'Necromancers welcome.' How thoughtful of them, thought Mortanius. Necromancers were rarely welcome anywhere. Necromancers who were Mortanius were NEVER welcome anywhere.  
  
Without hesitation now he opened the door and walked in. There was no one in the almost empty, dusty room and Mortanius thought at first that he had made a mistake and this wasn't a dating agency at all. Before he could notice the bell, he called out.  
  
"Hello!?"  
  
He thought he heard something coming from a room in the back, then a woman shouted:  
  
"Just one minute please! Don't go anywhere!"  
  
Mortanius had no real intention of leaving now. Somehow he had gotten it into his head that Ariel was a member of this place, and he could get a date with her without actually having to ask her on a date.  
  
  
  
Before long Mortanius had become the second member.  
  
"When should I come back?" he asked Myria.  
  
"Don't worry about that - I'll have word sent to you when we find you a match," she explained.  
  
"I don't have a permanent address," said Mortanius.  
  
"Like I said, don't worry about it," she said softly. Mortanius didn't worry about it anymore.  
  
  
  
While vampires may be welcome in Nosgoth's dating agency, they were much less welcome in Moebius' tent. Fortunately, Kain didn't really care if they were welcome or not. He strode on in, his sons (minus Rahab, Dumah and the missing Zephon) behind him in case of trouble. Moebius had his back to them and Kain stood with his eyes locked on his prey. There did not appear to be anybody else in here with them. Kain waited patiently like a hunter stalking a deer. He waited right up until Moebius began to take his clothes off. At this point Kain sprang into action and cleared his throat very loudly indeed.  
  
"Well Moebius, for all your apparent knowledge of the future, it seems that you have once again failed to take me into account," said Kain. Moebius quickly put his robes back on and turned around as casually as possible.  
  
"Ah, Kain, we meet again," he said.  
  
"Yes, and here was me thinking I was dead and all." hissed Kain.  
  
"But you are dead, wretched vampire. The only problem is, your still up and walking around. A problem that will be remedied soon enough," said Moebius in his most incredibly irritating voice.  
  
"Allow me to fix it for you," offered Kain. He sat down on the ground with his legs crossed.  
  
"I see that your jokes are as dead as you are Kain," said Moebius after groaning. Kain stood up again and walked forward aggressively.  
  
"But perhaps not as dead as you are going to be," said Kain. Moebius began retreating rather quickly to the back of the tent.  
  
"What are you so upset about Kain? You just disappeared. I thought you were gone! What harm was I doing to pass your demise off as my own doing?" crowed Moebius, putting his arms up in a desperate attempt to ward Kain off.  
  
Then Kain heard a commotion behind him, and turned to see his sons fighting with a bunch of warriors. The vampires were of course winning, but Kain had been distracted non-the-less. When he turned back, he found that Moebius had almost escaped out the side of the tent after tearing a hole through it. Before he went through it, Moebius spun round dramatically to face Kain, and began holding his arms up to the sky (or at least the roof of the tent.)  
  
"You almost had me Kain. But this is not where, or how, it ends. Fate promises more twists before this farce undresses itself.completely," he said.  
  
"That sounds familiar." thought Kain aloud. Moebius laughed and turned to make his escape, but at this point Raziel hit one of the poles that were supporting the tent and it collapsed around everyone, Moebius included. The tent cover now lay on the ground with several human, several vampire and one Moebius shape underneath it. Suddenly the Moebius shape jumped up a little and began waving his arms around.  
  
"HELP!" cried the rather muffled voice of Moebius. The vampires managed to cut their way through the cover while the other humans crawled their way out. Moebius however was still struggling underneath the tent.  
  
"Need a hand Moebius?" asked Raziel.  
  
"Yes please," begged Moebius.  
  
"I was just trying to be funny - I didn't actually want to know," replied Raziel.  
  
"Good thinking hitting the main pole like that Raziel," praised Melchiah.  
  
"Er. yes," said Raziel, who had actually been thrown into it and hadn't meant for the tent to collapse at all. Kain walked over to the shape of Moebius, cut another hole through the now very-holey tent and pulled Moebius out. Except it wasn't Moebius after all. It was a man dressed like Moebius and wearing a Moebius mask. The time streamer had made good his escape.  
  
  
  
The third person to visit the dating agency (let's not forget, Nosgoth's FIRST dating agency) was, perhaps surprisingly, Vorador. Of course however, Vorador was not actually looking for a date. He was instead seeking his old enemy Malek, who he had heard was in town looking for him along with revenge. Vorador's mentality here was basically 'Do unto other's before they do unto you', and frankly his plan was to find Malek and send him back to hell before Malek had the chance to do it to him. Like Kain's plan earlier it was perhaps not the greatest planning in the history of planning, but it would suffice non-the-less.  
  
The plan had brought him here, to just outside the dating agency, where Vorador's spies had reported a sighting of him. Vorador almost chuckled at the foolishness of the warrior. Did he really believe it would be easy to hunt down the great Vorador? Malek would be dead long before he realised just how difficult it was. It wouldn't help one bit if you got up early in the morning. It wouldn't even help if you stayed up all damn night.  
  
It had occurred to Vorador how strange it was that Malek would visit such a place. Another thing puzzled him perhaps even more than this, but of course it was not his immediate concern. Vorador was relatively familiar with the layout of Meridian, and he had not been aware of this place before. But he reasoned with himself, his spies wouldn't report such a trivial thing as the opening of a dating agency, and Vorador himself wouldn't be aware of it's existence because it must be new. He cared little for it anyway. His only purpose for being here was to find a way to get to Malek. As the vampire headed over, he failed to notice to sign on the door which read 'vampires welcome' and barged on in. 


End file.
